My daughter G is sixteen. For the past two years, despite the hormonal upheavals, stresses and dramas associated with teenage years, she has been in a stable and committed relationship with her boyfriend who is one year older. He plays an equal role in their very strong, nurturing and matured relationship.
She is very lucky to have him because of his family. He was the first son, born to a slightly older mother (she was 33). In the years before she became a mother, this boy’s mother had lived an exciting life as a flight attendant who travelled the world. Thus, she was more than ready to settle down to be a mummy. Her parents are quiet, hardworking folks and we see them in church whenever they visit. Her father is a professor, her two brothers are a doctor and an architect. They know the value of hard work. Thus, my daughter’s boyfriend has all the good things going for him.
On one of my last days in England before the end of summer, I went for a walk with a priest in Portchester who had become a family friend. We talked about the book I was reading and the second novel that I was writing. I told him that my parents were into mushrooms, and that my Ma knew the Latin names of all mushrooms in the New Forest.
We discussed my book, about how important the fungal mycelium is to the planet. The humble mushroom roots spread beneath ground for miles and infiltrate the roots of trees, exchanging nutrients, defence hormones and a lot of other things that scientists do not yet understand.
The priest then suddenly said, “I know you blog a lot. I read your writings. Therefore, can you please ask people to send healing messages and set their intentions to healing family trees?”
We talked about lives destroyed needlessly because of trauma in the family tree. Increasing evidence have emerged showing that trauma can pass down from one generation to the next even without direct contact between the origin and the recipient. It is in our DNA markers.
Perhaps a simpler one to think about is this: when a child cries and a mother gives him her love and attention, the hormone endorphin flows in the child. Endorphin is our happy hormone that enables us to feel warmth, love, security. Deprive a child of that in early life and the circuits in the brain relating to these feel-good feelings do not develop. Babies can also pick up maternal stress and subconscious rejection, which also has the same effect as deprivation of love. Consequently they develop the faulty belief, “If I cannot make my mother happy, then I am not good enough”. In later life, addiction t0 work, porn, the internet, exciting relationships, drugs, to name but a few, fill this gap, because these highs of jobs, etc, produce dopamine which works the same way. Unfortunately, these highs damage relationships and lives, and bring pain to many innocent bystanders who loved these individuals, who will go on through their lives trying to fill the large holes and the emptiness with dopamine-inducing activities that come at a high price.
Here is a profound saying by the American-born Tibetan Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron:
The hurt will go on for these individuals in their journey and we can help by sending an intention to heal their family trees. And perhaps even our own.