A friend recently came to stay with me for a couple of days to get over the end of her three-year marriage. “What went wrong?” she had lamented. She had wanted the relationship to work so badly, but it takes two to make something work (the yogi in me thinks that both parties have to be balanced in their desires and intentions, though my mother would disagree – she who believes in “I love enough for EVERYONE!”).
Anyway, in Huffington Post today, there is an article by marriage therapists about the key points why a marriage or a relationship fails. I sent it to my friend and she answered, “Yeah, we ticked five boxes out of six. Doomed even before we walked down the aisle, weren’t we?”
These are the six killers of a relationship (according to the therapists):
- You don’t maintain friendships outside the relationship – we need good friendships, too;
- You underestimate the need for touch – it is not about sex but making love and intimacy. I think that is the most important factor, because touch is healing old wounds and building closeness;
- Your friends are bad influence – they do not support your relationship. Oh yes, if they talk bad about you behind your back to your spouse, it is time to can it, I think;
- You don’t help clean up around the house – yeah, not taking the time to be sensitive to your partner is a killer too;
- You don’t sit down and talk about your relationship – it keeps the flame alive as well as work out emotive issues when both partners are not angry;
- You feel more and more like roommates – human beings are sexual creatures.
Full article can be found here.
For me, I think it is about learning to find joy in each other instead of lamenting about what we don’t have, and putting our energies into the relationship, rather than waste it on porn and fantasies. Perfection and sexiness is where you put your mind, since the brain is the biggest sex organ.
As a parent, I would say love your spouse with the care you love your children, because he/she was once someone else’s much loved baby girl/boy. I once told my partner that I never wanted to see him again because it is too difficult with him, and seeing the tears in his eyes just made me stop there and then, because with love comes the power to either give happiness or to destroy/damage. Yes, it is all to do with kindness and knowing the boundaries.
I think relationship is all about learning to be angry without being destructive, and remembering that some things, once broken, can never be mended.
And being grateful for each day that you have with each other and for the small things you have with each other ❤
This is a beautiful love story that humbled me completely. Love is a gift. Cherish it. It’s for LIFE and beyond.