Often, this is probably the most important thing to speak about, to bring it into open, so that the old Mother Wound could begin to heal. We all have this Mother Wound inside us, to different degrees of course, thanks to the interconnectivity and the intimate twinnings of people, life and energies. It is our heritage, like colour of our eyes from a distant ancestor, or a personality quirk maybe.
The Mother Wound is especially complex for an adopted mother, as I have observed, in the cadre of wonderful women I have known in my life who have chosen to love children who are not their biological progeny so fiercely that there will be no distinction between blood and love.
This is something searingly honest and brutally frank written by an adopted mother, Sue Tiong. I have come to admire her courage in speaking about the beast that needs to be uncovered and made peace with:
My biggest fear is always to be judged as a ‘real’ mother because I could not give birth to my own children, which is supposed to be such a simple biological task that women of all ages, colour and class know how to automatically. Except I, that is.
That fear of not being a real mother in the eyes of society is so irrational and entrenched that it was eating away at me from the inside and manifested in unnecessary stress. For a while, I kept my own counsel, for what right do I have to complain? I have two beautiful babies who came to me via other mummies.
But I started opening up and talking more about this a year ago, though only in private conversations with select friends. When our baby girl came to us in May last year, my friends dropped by my house and took photographs with my newborn baby girl and my older son Ray. They wanted to post those photographs of my family (oh, how noble I was for adopting!) but I said no. Why? Because I fear judgment.
A year or so later, I give those friends permission to go ahead with whatever they wish to tell the world about my little family. I am now fully accepting of the fact I didn’t give birth to both my children and I never can change that fact. However I am truly, deeply and definitely their mother. And I won’t let anything block my love to them anymore. Love is love after all.
So yesterday I took the microphone and shared my feelings about this in front of 90-odd people, and when I was called selfish and self centered, I said “Yes I am selfish.”
Don’t take it wrongly, it’s a fact and I admit it. Then when I disclosed further and said that I feel guilty because every time I look at my beautiful babies, I am reminded of their birth mothers who have been deprived of this wonderful opportunity I have to be a mother to these two lovely babies. Yes, I feel as if I am robbing two women of their babies…. how they are still alive, mothers and babies yet they cannot be together. Oh, so the pain they feel, it must be so terrible…!
Then digging further into my soul, I shared with the audience that I mourned the loss of my own biological babies who died in my womb. I still couldn’t let go of my losses, the soul-destroying cycle of fertility treatment and crushed hopes each time a much-longed for pregnancy did not materialise.
That is the root cause of my guilt and all negative feelings. My Mother Wound. Now that I have embraced that part of me, it is more peaceful inside.
I learned that everything is good, every modality is good, it’s just how much we want to be open and make it work for ourselves. That is the key thing: how much we want to move on or if we are happy in darkness, pretending to ourselves that everything is just fine.
I will continue with whatever that I am doing now with my regular support group/people and continue to work on myself. I can’t attend Asia Works in the next few months as my schedule is packed until next year, but I will. I will continue working on myself. This is my life’s journey.
Thank you to my friends for your support in every way.
Note: Sue attended the Asia Works conference and as the group has attracted a lot of negativity, She included this link. Do your research, read extensively, talk with friends who are on the same path. Choose your modality with care.
From my much-loved spiritual teacher Thich Nhat Hanh:
In order to heal others, we first need to heal ourselves. And to heal ourselves, we need to know how to deal with ourselves.