Yesterday, I posted an article on Sexuality and the Yogi. There’s this misconception that yogis are celibate, but actually, the god of yogis, Shiva, had a very intense sexual relationship with his wife Parvati and their explosive passion gave birth to the deity of desire, Kama. (Note: though the highest form of sexual satisfaction is when the male and female within us merge together).

I received several messages asking “How?”  We all want hot sex. But with the person we are in a long-term relationship with is perhaps middle aged, overweight, not in good shape. Is that possible?

As our body and our relationship mature, our needs change too. When we were young, it was fast and furious, and the more the better.  But as we get older or when the relationship is no longer new, we begin to look for other things. This is, I believe, a make-or-break time in a sexual relationship. Some people turn to porn to get the excitement….oh so easy and guilt-free….but it just makes the dissatisfaction and isolation deeper. I think it is fundamentally damaging to a relationship….if you need porn, the best one is with the person you wake up with every morning.

Example: I am a racist and an ageist when it comes to personal preferences. I do like young black men but watching porn involving them does absolutely nothing for me. I don’t find them exciting or even mildly interesting, however hot those muscular young men look. I thought it was because of two reasons. The first reason is perhaps my pious Catholic soul makes it impossible for me to enjoy casual sex even on a fantasy level. The second reason is perhaps porn is more of a male thing.

But no, my co-author of my forthcoming book, Love Patanjali! Yoga Wisdom for Everyday  Loving (a hot, hot, hot book!) who is a heathen free of Catholic guilt, and  a red-blooded male, wrote:

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Porn has got nothing on the real deal. If you really desire someone, just a look of her/his face is enough. It is a whole lot more erotic than any image or X-rated movie involving fantasy figures that do not exist and has no bearing on your real life at all. It’s empty like dirty hot air.

But a look at a face or body that is perhaps ordinary to the rest of the world but for the right person, it is simply explosive. You don’t need a kinky wardrobe or a boxful of toys in the first instance, just the ‘right’ state of mind, namely one that is intentionally turned on to your lover (and not others). OMG, it is like tinderbox ready to catch fire.

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SEVEN WAYS OF MAKING YOUR SPOUSE YOUR PORN STAR

  • Most important thing: focus on one. It’s called Dharana in Sanskrit. When you focus on one person and one person only, you are more attuned to the object of your focus, and your emotions get more intense. Good, hot and fulfilling sex starts with YOUR INTENTION.
  • Communicate honestly with your lover. Tell him/her in graphic details what turns you on.
  • Be a generous lover. Try to meet your lover’s needs.  Be prepared to try something at least once. 
  • Make time to play. Kiss each other deeply. Tickle. Massage. Wrestle. Oh so many things.
  • Talk dirty to each other – it heightens the anticipation. Write him/her an X-rated email/text.
  • Get to know and savour the taste, smell, sound, sight and touch of your lover.  Immerse yourself completely in his/her essence. Use that for the above.
  • Be in love with your lover. The fantasy figure might be hotter, but but the one you wake up with is REAL and loves you.

It is always personal.

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When you have a passionate sexual relationship, it benefits both of you. You grow closer together. No need for porn or outsiders or any other unhealthy stimulation.  Remember, it starts with YOU. It really is worth investing time and effort into cultivating hotness at home with your spouse.

Another thing: personal porn with your loved one is G-R-E-A-T! Mind-blowingly great – big smile. Be in love with your husband/wife/long-term lover. Start today ❤

  • In Catching Infinity, I wrote about porn between a husband and his wife of 17 years. You can read an excerpt here.
  • Suggestion: learn Vipassana meditation for that intensity.

Related article: Sexuality and the Yogi