I have been asked this question on several occasions by those wounded by their childhoods, recent experiences and by others.  First of all, I am not trained and what I practised is out of common sense, logic and personal experience.  Written for a friend, here goes:

  1. Acknowledge your wounds. Don’t hide and don’t brush it away as “I am OK now.”  Look at yourself in the mirror and say, “Yes, I was badly hurt by XYZ. I now have to get better.”
  2. Devote time to your own healing. Be realistic. 7-9 minutes a day will do.
  3. Be committed. The older the wounds, the longer it takes to get there. Set yourself a target of 3 months, 9 minutes a day, of unbroken healing practice.
  4. Sit for that time and fave your pain. Breathe into it. Be at peace with it.
  5. Ask for help. Never be afraid, embarrassed or too proud to ask for help, be it from your partner, parent, sibling or close friend.
  6. Learn to spend time with yourself without judgement.

I really believe acknowledging is the necessary first step.

Also recognise also that human beings are not meant to bear their burdens alone – there are always special souls willing to lend a helping hand to someone in need. That’s the basis of Love.  For example,  I wasn’t in the position to heal someone I love (having been in need of healing myself), so he asked my mother whom he met for the first time in December 2015. I love them both so much, and I think the three of us have this beautiful thing going, growing.

Here’s Iron Fist from Marvel healing himself.


So for my friend who asked me, what do I do to heal my damaged man? All I can say is hold the space for him. Provide a safe haven in your arms, give him a home he can always come home to, light his path for him with the little things you do for him. But his healing will not begin until he acknowledges his wounds honestly and chooses to heal himself. For we can never heal someone against their will. That I have learned.


Healing doesn’t mean eradicating the damage. It simply means that the damage no longer colours your life.

Be well. xxx