This is NOT a religious post. It’s a personal sharing about what I discovered a couple of days ago about quiet time (in our minds).
That’s what my life feels like at the moment (photo).
And at church last Sunday, my priest said that this month of Lent is a time for us to be quieter, to go on a retreat into ourselves, “to listen”.
So, in addition to my 9-minute-a-day meditation that I do every night just before I go to sleep, I decided to factor in a quiet 9 minutes into my day. I sat on my daybed with my eyes closed and tried to listen to the silence.
And something unexpected came to mind.
To my surprise, my thoughts were turned towards my partner instead of something “higher”, like the meaning of life, philosophy, music or even the future. Strange, given that there’s where my mind is at the moment, with my daughter moving out, us buying a new place, relocation, and the end of my sabbatical etc etc etc.
To be thinking about him? (who is also partially responsible for my mayhem)
But in my mind, my partner wasn’t doing anything in particular. He was just walking around, standing by the window, unaware of me. I began observing him objectively and dispassionately, like the way you would watch a stranger. The voice of love, passion, anger, fear, gratitude, in me was silenced for the moment, albeit just for that moment.
In this silence, I watched him. He still has the same long legs and strong arms (the way he stands, feet planted firmly on the ground, legs wide apart, that bold challenging stance I used to hate!), but he has gone greyer from when I first met him all those years ago. ‘I am not a young man anymore, JK,” he often says self-mockingly. “Stop pushing my buttons.”
But still that same masculine impatience that I clash with, the traces of the angry boy trying to find his place in the world, the steady hands that I first admired long before I knew the person, the humourist I loathe and love at the same time. I don’t often see all these aspects of him, as we are too busy shouting at each other, making up, making plans, running, swimming, living. Even when we do yoga side by side, there exists this challenge between our two competitive selves.
So it was really good to pause and observe him from the place of silence and peace, where everything is as it should be. To see him as he really is, rather than through the glasses of my perception and emotions.
You get a better picture when you are not distracted by chatter. So it was kind of a good 9-miuntes for me, just to revisit what that needed revisiting in the silence of my heart.
And yeah, I kind of fell a little in love again ❤
Let me photograph you in this light.
A song to go with this: